Disgusting People I Have Made Out With

an online portfolio of things that shouldn't have happened but they did...


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"he kept asking if he could photograph me sucking him off"

my first week of college (i was at a big university i dropped out of fast), my fake tan fake blonde fake boobed fat new jersey roommate made me go with her to her BRO friends house. we were drinking a lot and i was one of only two people hitting the bong, so i was super crossed by about 1:30, when her friend’s roommate decided to get up close and personal. he was pretty cute and i didn’t want to pay attention to the scary movie that was on, so i went for it. mid-makeout (and for some reason it had become 3AM), i realized that my roommate and her friend had ditched me!! i checked my phone and she said she wanted to give us some alone time, so i was basically stuck there.

we went into his room. it. was. gross. he kept asking if he could photograph me sucking him off, but he asked it so many times i started to feel paranoid that he was recording anyway. i went down on him, but it was just awful. i basically was kneeling topless while he kept asking to fuck me or fuck my tits. i have no idea why i put up with this shit. eventually i was cleaning his come out of my newly pierced bellyring, OW, with scraps of tp from his grossass bathroom. i made him drive me home at 5am and i proceeded to yell at my roommate for ditching me.

ah, college.

Sorry for the lack of posts…

…this blog has AIDS.

From So00 ffff: “SHIT was everywhere”

dear disgusting makeouts,
Exactly one month ago I met this beautiful jew with rasberry coloured hair who looks vaguely like dracula. being a randy and libidinous fuck, i now call him Count Fuckula. In the beginning, as we both had the same shaped head and basically looked like siblings, i decided to retain him on a friends only basis, as the reproductive value of two skinny people who look remarkably alike is neglible. However, he began knocking me down randomly for sex and and I started really liking it and really liking him. The ‘love’ word was mentioned. Things being the way they are between humans, we started giving eachother shit- literally, as you shall see.
Having said we were ‘special friends’ it was ‘fine’ if we fucked everyone else, however, being the guardian of one single egg, i am finding this position somewhat problematic, and when he fucked his friend whose tiny vagina gives me the fear,we had a 2 day ‘discussion’ recently by which i mean FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT. This involved me going on a protracted and menstrual vodka binge and collapsing outside a sushi bar. He assisted me back to my flat in the manner of a boy escorting home an elderly and deranged aunt.We got upstairs and he tried to force feed me a california roll while i passed in and out of consciousness. It went all over my face, and we fucked.i loved it like a retard. afterwards i started throwing up in the bathroom sink while blood stained cum dripped out of my cunt onto the floor.Then we began getting really romantic- he started fucking my ass. I have only done this twice before.I cant remember everything, but it was just starting to feel really good when SHIT HAPPENED. ‘oh dear’ he said in a small voice. I turned over and his cock was COVERED in Shit. brown, nutty, multi textured ASS BUTTER. we took a shower, my flatmate  came home and i sobered up.
Flatmate: ‘[Redacted], what is this SHIT on the floor’?
the bathroom was covered in bloodstained cum and sushi puke. The bedroom was unsanitary.my lover  and i escaped to his place. I thought nothing more of the mess, as my drunken mind had not cogitated its immensity.I came home the next day and went into my bedroom. It was like the aftermath of a sodomy festival in an autistic day-care centre. There was SHIT on the bed. There was SHIT on the walls. there was a pair of tracksuit bottoms crusted in SHIT. SHIT was everywhere. SHOES were everywhere. SUSHI was everywhere. why did this happen?
it was like clearing up a strangers mess as i hardly remembered anything.
I am still clearing up SHIT.
and i cant get rid of the smell of SHIT.
LOVE is SHIT

Has This Ever Happened To You?

From “Kelly”:

because my job is sporadic and we never stay in one spot, we live with host families for the few months that we are in that area and then move. i had a lovely and charming older host family. they had dinner waiting for me at night along with booze… lots and lots of booze. so one night i got home and they had a huge party at their house during the day and their son came to the party. he’s 32, lives in a city, and a huge nerd. so my host family had a keg and were like, “help yourself and we don’t care if you finish the keg.”

bingo.

so we’re sitting in the kitchen getting into political and ideological debates over everything, chain smoking and so on. this goes on for at least three hours. so at one point, he moves over so that he’s sitting next to me and all of a sudden we were talking about sex. i don’t remember what we were talking about but i said, “well i have condoms upstairs in my room.” and bam, we are on the floor in the kitchen making out and dry humping. then we decided to go to his room downstairs. and we proceed to get naked as we walk down the stairs frantically. we get to the bed and bam, he’s going down on me like a champ. so finally i grab hold of him pulled him up and started fucking.

drunkenly, i was moaning but i think it was of not knowing what else to do. we are on this hideously uncomfortable futon so i suggest we go upstairs to my room which is only a few doors down from his parents. we run up the stairs and we continue to go at it. it’s not anything good, and after our first jaunt (yes first), we go to sleep. this is a vicious cycle that continues throughout the night. i keep asking him to do me doggy, this all in hope of getting off. he refuses.

asshole.

so finally it’s like 530a. we finish banging for the last time, he has to get back to where he lives, and i have to get ready for work. i asked him, “what do you think i should do if your parents say something to me?” and he said, “i don’t know, i don’t live here.” and walked out. thankfully, they never said anything to me about it. they did tell me that they enjoyed how we got along so well.

he would randomly text me from time to time, and i would drunkenly text him, but i never saw him again, nor am i planning on seeing him again.

Penis with lice on it. The holy grail…

Penis with lice on it. The holy grail…

Skinny Goth-Dude-In-A-Band One Night Stand

It wasn’t disgusting at all (I love skinny goth dudes, all of you, come home with me) except for the following:

-I haven’t waxed since September (SEPTEMBER) and have world’s hairiest bush and legs

-I was too lazy to use condoms even though there was a box of them under the bed

-I didn’t tell him about my herpes and talked trash about my exes the whole time (basically regurgitating the entire contents of this tumblr…or at least the parts I am responsible for…)

Other than that I think we’re in love and going to get married if he ever comes back to Shitsville, USA (my current home).

Friday Funnies (?)

The Ultimate Warrior gives Hulk Hogan a blowjob:

Are you into that sort of thing?

"Alan lapped at it eagerly while a giant fat woman on a tiny stool sat and stared at them."

From anonymous tipster ________:

ALAN’S NITE OF SHAME:


'ALan' went out last nite to barbie deinhoffs, and was having a lovely
time with some free orange alco-pop drinks. He saw a boy at the bar
drinking a fancy-pants drink in a big curly glass, and the boy looked
strangely familiar… where had he seen this vaguely blond seedy
cherub?
It was ______’s orphan!
oh how exciting! Alan continued to drink orangey drinks and feel shy.
He watched the orphan slip into a dark corner. On imbibing orangey
drink number 4 he slid off his bar stool and oozed after his prey, who
turned out to be called ‘Oscar’.
'hello' he said, 'do you know a glamorous girl from _______ called ________?'
the
orphan looked more like a piglet up close.
'yes' he said, smiling pinkly. 'oh' said Alan, 'I've heard the most
flamboyant stories about you’
Then followed a pleasant conversation about toilets and just how many,
many groupies were fighting over his tiny ass.
Blah blah blah blah.
Then they talked about _____’s sexy accent, and how she whisked off
the orphans pants in the loo and gave him great head.
Alan didnt really feel like having sex with the orphan as he knew all
the orphans secrets already and viewed him as a filthy urchin
masquerading under the guise of a cute five year old. But then he
decided what the hey, the orphan was warm, and non malicious.
They drew pictures together, Alans pictures were unremittingly awful,
as he was drawing with his left hand and orphan fondling with the
other.
Things got very hot and heavy in public. There was a mass exodus of the
no doubt nauseated patrons of the bar. The orphan turned out to be
really into kissing. It was quite arousing.A little too wet. Then Alan
and the orphan decided it would be classy to go into the back room and
do some heavy petting beside the upside-down tables that had been put
away for the nite. The Orphan put his head under Alans dress, Alan
wasnt wearing any undies and it was great. The the orphan pushed the
head of his cock over the waistband of his jeans and Alan lapped at it
eagerly while a giant fat woman on a tiny stool sat and stared at them.
The orphans cock felt small, hard and knotty- like the penis of a
squirrel. What Alan really got off on was fantasizing that the orphan
was in fact ______.
This was weird but nice.
Then they got a taxi back to chez Alan, and the taxi driver was
absolutely disgusted and kept turning up the radio to drown out the
sound of fingering.
They got into Alans room and began rudimentary sex procedures.Alan was
now regretting his decision to take home the orphan, as it was all very
tiring, and he felt a bit manky. Then they did some nice rear
positions, which were quite enjoyable, though the orphans tiny man-hood
made Alans orifice feel sloppy- like fucking a can of paint.It was all
fine and then they went to sleep embracing like sweaty crabs.
But…the next morning something truly awful happened which Alan will
never live down, The two lovers woke up and began making out again,
they fucked for a while in a variety of positions, Alan made an effort
to gain something concrete from the experience and began
rubbing-one-out determinedly, the orphans fingers were inside his
hole…and then it happened…Alan came…and FARTED loudly! then, to
make matters worse, he said in a husky voice, as if to redeem things,
'and what can I do for you?' and the orphan said, 'you can make me a
coffee’
It was awful.

2 stories from anonymous reader “Jessica”

Four years ago, I had moved to a new city.  Not long after, my on/off boyfriend of 3 years moved in with me.  He commenced to drinking and verbally destroying me every day so my self esteem was at an all time low.  Not to mention that my teenage complexion had come back full force and I had a face full of cysts.  I went out with a girlfriend one night in the hopes of having some fun.  We sat at a bar drinking and a cute rockabilly guy sidled up and started a conversation.  He ended up leaving the bar with us and we all went back to my friend’s house.  I was completely insecure and second guessing everything he said, feeling like he was slyly insulting me all night.  We played a few drunken rounds of scrabble while he hit on my friend.  One of the words he made was ‘acne’.  I wanted to crawl into a hole and die.
My friend either didn’t like him or felt sorry for me, so she went off to her bedroom and left us alone on her couch.  We ended up sloppily making out for a while as we groped each other.  I was pleasantly surprised by his large dick, but neither of us had a condom.  I ended up giving him an enthusiastic blowjob, looking forward to his returning the favor.  I ended up getting some subpar finger banging/poking around move.  It was terribly disappointing, so I just faked an orgasm so he would stop jabbing around in my vagina.  We went off to sleep in the guest bedroom.  I woke up sometime in the middle of the night with him clutching my shoulders and sleep humping the shit out of my back.  I pushed him off of me and fell back to sleep.  Ugh.
The next disgusting make out happened about a month later, after my live in boyfriend had moved out.
I went out again with the same girlfriend.  We were at a bar, when I overheard some douchebag in huge pants talking to his friends about dropping acid earlier in the night.  Seriously, who does acid after high school?  I just had to fuck with him, so I started talking to him in circles about the most nonsensical things.  My friend and I laughed our asses off at what an idiot he was.  
He ended up following us from bar to bar all night.  Once he started buying drinks I wasn’t complaining.  We ended up at a titty bar where all three of us made out together, probably giving the customers a better show than what was on stage.  At one point he stood up with me on his lap and hit my head on a pipe in the low, exposed ceiling.  You’d think I would have wanted the humiliation to end right there, but I guess I’m a bit of a masochist. 
We all went back to his house, where he lit candles.  I assumed this was to set the mood, but it turned out that he just didn’t have electricity.  We continued our makeout while he peeled our clothes off.  He left the room and came back with a cock ring on his shaved junk.  Through my laughter I ended up giving him a blowjob while my friend passed out next to me.  He came all over me, so I went to the bathroom to clean up.  The white trash motherfucker didn’t have any toilet paper.  Cleaning his jizz off my stomach with the pile of McDonald’s napkins next to his toilet was a low point in my life, for sure.
My friend wouldn’t leave his bed, so I ended up going home without her, hoping that he was just a loser and not a mass murderer.  They are still dating to this day.  Much of their relationship consists of visiting his family in the trailer park and doing speed.