v day terror
I went on a date with this dude that I hadn’t seen since I was 17. Now, back then I had been having emails with him for a little while and then when we finally met it was at this Halloween party where I discovered that he was A) quite obese and B) extremely effeminate and C) dressed like a pirate. This experience horrified me fully and we did not speak again until recently when we became Facebook friends, which led to Facebook chatting, which led to AIM chatting, which led to him asking me if I want to go see this art installation of a giant vagina at some shitty ass bar.
I forgot that Saturday was V-Day, so we meet up at this horrifying yuppie Thai place where they are serving like “Lover’s Specials” and he offers to buy me dinner because, “I’ve never bought a lady dinner before on Valentine’s Day” which is SO sweet, but kind of nauseating because I didn’t want to go on this awkward date in the first place. Dude had been working out and looked better than the first time I met him, but he still had terrible facial hair and bad fashion sense, strongly resembling something between Anton LaVey and a kid I knew in high school who was obsessed with Ren-Fest and drama club…
Anyway, during the course of dinner Dude reveals that he had not lost his virginity until he was 25 and that his first kiss and losing his virginity all happened on the same night. In a cemetery. I’m fascinated and repulsed. Then he tells me how he is starting a production company and is going to make pornos. Also that he’s libertarian, I’m just like, “oh god this is the worst.” We finally make it out of the restaurant (where I am awkwardly given a rose by the waiter, ugghghghghghghh do not want!!) and we go to see the Vagina, which was a Tunnel of Love, but like demented with gross sex shit inside like pictures of venereal disease and whatnot.
We’re walking through this silly fake vagina and I immediately see two other dudes I want to fuck way more than my date. I start pounding gin and tonics. The bar is really crowded with a terrible mixture of tattooed rockabilly gaytards and hardcore generic yuppies—there is no one to rescue me from my date and I keep running away to get drinks, go to the bathroom, do anything that creates a gulf between us. Finally drunken resignation set in and I let him start touching my ass.
We retreated to a gay bar down the street and watched fags do renditions of songs like TLC’s “Don’t Go Chasing Waterfalls” while Dude rubbed my ass like some kind of old Grandma and told me that I was the most beautiful girl. This is all horseshit, because I have crooked ass teeth and just gained 15 lbs the last couple months, plus I don’t shave. I know when dudes are full of shit…
The night ended with me letting some disgusting tongue kissing happen in the car before dumping his ass at his truck. I told him I was tired (tired of him) and went home and called my best friend. It turned out she had been at the bar next door all night and was like, “get your ass back over here” so I drove my wasted ass back to this neighboring bar and hung out until it shut down and we got giant mountain dews and gummi worms at the gas station. Twelve hours later dude already emailed me twice and I want NOTHING more to do with him. ALSO, he made me a mix CD that was supposed to have “booty shaking” music on it and it has—swear to God—the fucking White Stripes and Catpower on it. Dude. Seriously??? OMG, worst date ever….