Monday was President’s Day, which—as a freelancer—I was completely oblivious to until my friend told me she was going to 2 pm breakfast with our other friend. I said, “come pick me up” and we went to this overpriced biscuit yuppie hole where one of the waiters was a former disgusting makeout (the one with 7 dogs) and the girl in the next booth used to fuck the same guy that I’ve been giving blowjobs to since the beginning of the year.
I ate a barbecue chicken quesadilla and then we did tequila shots. My friend “Mary” knew where there was a santeria shop downtown. My friend, 2 shots and 2 beers in, drove us there and I bought a bunch of voodoo shit. Probably more than I would have bought sober.
Then we went to this other bar to get “the Painkiller”…I had two of the “level 2” and then I went over to the next table to sit by this dude that was making eyes at me. I helped him drink his pitcher of bloody marys and then I ordered the Level 3 Painkiller (the strongest level).
I discovered about my companion that his name was Fergus and that he “sold technology” for a living. He liked to get wasted and play golf. His favorite band was Coldplay. What a nightmare. My friends joined me at our table and we smoked Fergus’ Marlboros and then his roommate Billy showed up, but I kept getting Billy mixed up with the waiter, whose name was Tim and who was carrying a chihuahua. Fergus said he was from South Africa but he was a total ginger, and so was the waiter Tim. I sat in Fergus lap for a little while and hugged his head to my tits before running away to another bar to find my friends, who had all abandoned me.
I got to the other bar and I put my arm around my friend’s beautiful black friend who immediately said, “I’m not into chicks get your arm off of me” and then I cuddled with our other friend, grateful to have shaken Fergus. Unfortunately he then showed up and I had been having more beer and could not comprehend anything he was saying to me, except that I was talking loudly about my herpes. I think we might have made out a little, but he was too chiseled and ginger for me. I fell asleep for a little while against somebody’s shoulder then Mary made me eat a veggie burger, then I drove myself home (!!!!!!) and passed out at 8 pm.