Disgusting People I Have Made Out With

A loyal reader named “Jessica” writes in:

It was my freshman year of college and I’d just started casually hooking up with this cute guy from my english class, one of those intillectual hipsters who plays a weird instrument. Anyhow, it had been like a month and all of a sudden we’re lying there one afternoon when he says he thinks we should only see each other and that he’d feel hurt if I was with anyone else. On the outside I agree and kiss him. In my head I’m flipping a shit. The next day I let him know I’ll be in NYC with a friend for the weekend. I then wrap myself in a crimson sheet from my bed, down a shitload of hypnotiq mixed with malibu, and proceed to a toga party at a frat with some friends. After a few drinks of who-knows-what in red cups I turn drunkenly to a friend and ask her to find me a boy, any boy, I NEED to hook up with someone else. She turns around, drags this skinny kid with a big nose over, and introduces him to me. He asks me to dance and proceeds, with his hands on my hips, to rabbit hump me on the dance floor. After about 10 min of this (I think) he asks me to go to his room. I look at his nose and tell him I need another drink first. After going to the bar I drunkenly stagger out with him while frantically guzzling a nasty frat mixed drink. When we get to his room he shows me his shoes (various ugly Nike’s in primary colors) that are neatly organized in clear plastic containers. I tell him to hit the lights.

We sit on the bed and he starts shoving his tongue in my mouth, It’s awful, he keeps trying to shove his tongue in as far as possible, practically choking me. Then he starts trying to take my shirt off so I tell him that A) all his clothes are staying on for the rest of the night and B) my pants are staying on. He asks if this means he can get in my bra and looks so hopeful that I wish the light from the streetlamp was shut out more effectively by the blinds. Meanwhile, outside in the hall someone is drunkenly singing so he gets up, goes to the door and loudly says “I have a girl in here you know! Shut up!” When he gets back he fumbles around at the clasp for a while before I get pissed off and say “I’ll do it myself” and then, when he sees my boobs he gives me two thumbs up. WTF???

At that point I decide I’ll never recover from what’s already happened and tell him I’ve got to leave and find my friend. I’m too drunk to re-tie the toga so he lends me a tee shirt. Then he tells me he knows where my friend is and leads me to this room full of guys and introduces me. My friend is not there. He confesses that he just wanted me to meet his friends. I get pissed off and head back to my dorm where my friend is actually waiting for me. She’s enraged that he showed me off to his friends and suggests we get a pizza. It turns out the delivery is closed for the night so we go down to the common room. Outside is a pizza man standing there with someone else’s pizza. I scream “Pizza man!”, run out, and grab it from him. She tosses him a $5 (which totally doesn’t cover it) and then we run back up the stairs and into some people who go down looking for their pizza and come back to see us stuffing our faces with it. They start cussing at us and we run away, me getting pizza all over the shirt.

The next afternoon I woke up on the floor with pizza stains all down the shirt and remembered what happened. I’d made not only been a complete skank with an ugly dude, but stolen a pizza. I threw out the shirt. Thumbs up boy somehow managed to get my number and kept texting me about “owing him” and him “coming over to look for the shirt”. He also kept popping up near my dorm. I realized he had a huge sparkly earring in one ear (which stuck out from his head) and a huge adam’s apple too. I pretended he didn’t exist. He stopped calling around May (the end of the year). We’d hooked up in October.