Naked in the Bushes
I was seeing this guy off and on for a summer, he was the same loser who had hooked up with my best friend at work. Also the one that helped me inadvertently seal the coffin on my 4 year relationship through me leaving up an email to my best friend on my computer about his giant uncircumcised member and my then-boyfriend finding it…
Anyway, we weren’t really dating but I would drive to his house to get drunk and fuck. One night we got a bunch of beers with his friends in his graduate school program, but I hated how they were a bunch of sissy faggot pansies with no tolerance for bringing the party. So I went and bought a bottle of tequila and the fun began.
All that I remember of the evening is that I was sitting in his lap doing shots listening to techno music on his Itunes. Then I found some weird prescription strength moisturizer behind something on his shelf and he confessed to me that he was—a hand washer!!! Like totally hardcore OCD. Then I started losing it, being really drunk and I kept trashing around and spilling things. I could see his little OCD brain start to boil as he grabbed towels to mop up my messes. I couldn’t even hold a glass of water still.
Then my memory goes blank until 5 am when I woke up— hot, dry and sick. I felt like I was going to puke but his bathroom was really echo-y and I didn’t want him to hear it (he was really attractive) so I ran out into the bushes outside of his apartment naked to try to vomit. I was still wasted and have no idea where my clothes went. No puking happened, so I just dry heaved for what felt like an eternity, then crouched under the moon in shame and sickness until my nausea subsided slightly.
I went inside to lay back down, but my rest was short-lived as I had to leave his house at 7:30 am to drive to my Mom’s house and then drive 2 hours to my 97-year-old great grandmother’s funeral. Also my Mom had just rescued some kittens and there were two mewling cats freaking out in the back seat the whole time we were driving to the veteran’s cemetery in Chattanooga and I was hungover as fuck. That was the last time I ever hung out with OCD boy, still don’t know what went wrong there.